The Mother's Day Treats
$22.50 for my mother-in-law and myself
We realized our son was most likely autistic at his 18-month appointment when he failed his screening quiz. I remember so clearly holding my daughter as the pediatrician talked to us about next steps—she was barely a month old. There were more visits to specialists: a developmental pediatrician, an audiologist. We had therapists come to our apartment to encourage his social skills but for the most part, our lives didn’t change. He was intense from the moment he was born, and his diagnosis didn’t make us look at him any differently. Or, as my husband put it, “Bam is still Bam.” Someone put medical language to his personality, but he was and would continue to be himself. If anything it made me feel less inept. Sleep problems, picky eating, a limited frustration window. These were things that were going to be challenges, and no amount of being a “good mom” was going to change that.
Over the last six months it has slowly dawned on us that our daughter, who will be 3 this summer, is most likely autistic as well. And there are next steps that need to be taken, but I’m in less of a hurry this time, because I know there’s no magic solution, no medical professional that can give me cheat codes. No one knows more about your children than you, even though a medical diagnosis may make it tempting to think so.
So what is it like having two autistic children seventeen months apart in age? Well, at least lately, some days evolve into the level of Tetris that’s so relentless it seems unplayable. Some days start that way. (We mused recently that at our current difficulty level we probably could have had three, maybe four neurotypical children.) We are lucky that we’ve been able to structure our lives around raising our kids. When I got pregnant the first time, my husband was going back to school. We talked about him getting a job but it didn’t make any sense. Why have him earn a paycheck so he could give 95% of it to someone to watch the baby while he earned the paycheck? Ouroboros! So he works inside of the house and I work outside of the house.
$8.77, Trader Joe’s
I texted my mother a photo of her Mother’s Day card on Sunday morning because I forgot to mail it. Then we put the kids in the car and drove to Trader Joe’s for a modest selection of treats for my mother-in-law, who is our only source of childcare. Our debit card had to be cancelled because of fraud, so I had to pay with a check. I asked if I could write the check for “$20 over,” like my grandmother used to do in the 90’s before cashback existed and the cashier shot that idea down with an emphatic, “No.”
We drove to my mother-in-law’s apartment to drop off her treats, making sure the kids didn’t see her because she made it very clear that she was taking the day off. (A boundary I plan to set if I frequently watch any hypothetical grandchildren, to be sure.) The whole way home the kids were begging to get out of the car, and they never really settled down until we pushed them around in their stroller until they fell asleep around 8:00.
$20.00, Chipotle
I requested that Mother’s Day go unacknowledged in our house this year. I have such ambivalent feelings about what kind of a parent I am, and the day just makes me feel stressed out. I wish I didn’t get so frustrated, and I worry sometimes that I’m going to run out of kindness or patience. Our pandemic year has been so claustrophobic.
My only goal for the day was to take a mental health shower, a thing that I completely forgot to make time for in the chaos of the afternoon. By the time I remembered, the kids were already down and the running water probably would have woken them up. I was starving and the car battery was almost empty, so I bought a Chipotle gift card from PayPal. (I really wanted a burger, but it seemed unlikely that any drive thru would take a check.) I picked up a quesadilla and a Mexican Coke, which I never order because $3 feels too spendy for a soda. Then I plugged the car into the free charger at the mall while I ate dinner without anyone trying to get a bite of my food and listened to a podcast as the sun set.
Videos to put on at the end of a long day while you’re waiting for your melatonin to kick in:
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I love your writing. My child was diagnosed as being on the spectrum in the last year too. It’s a lot to take in. The quesadilla, Mexican Coke, podcast, and sunset gets the full chef’s kiss. You’re doing a great job.